The Art of Saying No: How to Prioritize Your Needs and Set Healthy Boundaries

Throughout this series on boundaries, you’ll find a recurring theme: the importance of saying no. In recent editions of Seven Mile Times, we explored why confidently saying no and avoiding taking on more than you can handle is crucial for your mental health. Saying no helps protect your peace by preventing feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and burnout. It also allows you to spend your time and energy in more meaningful ways that promote happiness and overall well-being.

In this article, we’ll discuss why saying no can be such a challenge and provide practical strategies for saying no more often.

The biggest obstacle to saying no is our tendency to people-please. People-pleasers have a perceived need to prioritize the pleasure or needs of others before their own. The root of people-pleasing lies in conditional self-worth. When we meet the requests or demands of others, we don’t have to fear rejection or abandonment; instead, we feel valuable and included. People-pleasers find security in knowing that they are valued as long as they are making everyone in their lives happy.

You might know a people-pleaser or even recognize these feelings within yourself, so you likely understand how exhausting this pattern of behavior can be. It can feel very uneasy to say no to someone, wondering what they think of you after you’ve declined their request, no matter what that request might be. Perhaps they’re thinking you’re not a kind friend, a hardworking employee, or a good son or daughter. The thought of being perceived in this negative light is anxiety-provoking and uncomfortable.

Here’s how to tackle this need to please:

Build your self-confidence: Aim to shift your self-worth from external to internal sources. Instead of feeling confident in yourself based on how you engage with others or your various roles in society, focus on the intrinsic qualities that make you great. Perhaps you’re highly organized or conscientious, or beautifully adventurous and spontaneous. Maybe you’re goal-oriented, or a loyal and devoted person. Recognize the qualities that make you proud to be who you are, and remind yourself of those qualities each day. You can write mantras on sticky notes throughout your house or express gratitude to yourself in a journal. Whatever you choose to focus on, ensure that it is specific to you – the internal you, separate from your relationships with others.

Recognize your own needs and prioritize them: People-pleasers have a tendency to look outward to a fault. This is your reminder to recognize your own needs. Are you getting enough sleep, exercising, spending time with people who bring you joy, and doing the things you love? These should be your priorities for your own well-being. If these needs are placed after meeting the desires of others around you, you cannot show up as your best self. It’s like the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask in the event of an emergency on an airplane. You are instructed to secure your own mask first, then help others with theirs. You are no good to those around you if you are not taking care of yourself.

Ask yourself why you are saying yes: This is an easy way to tackle the need to please others. If you are saying yes to a request out of fear of how someone might perceive you if you say no, that’s not a good enough reason to agree. In fact, that’s a great reason to say no! The answer should only be yes if you have the time to meet this request and if you genuinely want to spend your time doing it. Your gut will guide you on this one. If your instincts are telling you no but you say yes anyway, you will likely regret it later.

Now that we’ve identified how to tackle those obstacles to saying no, let’s look at some practical ways to start saying no with grace:

“I would love to, but I can’t.” That’s it! That’s all you have to say. You do not need to list the myriad reasons why you can’t. You’re not expected to, and you don’t owe anyone that. The bottom line is that you cannot fulfill this request in good conscience without sacrificing your own happiness or self-care in some way (keeping in mind our oxygen mask analogy!). What’s great about this response is that it also shows your compassion and care while saying no.

“Thank you, let me think about this and I’ll let you know.” This takes away the pressure of having to give an answer right then and there, and allows you to reflect on whether you truly have the time and energy to dedicate to this request.

“OK. Can you help me take a look at my priorities and see what I should move down the list?” If you feel this response sounds formal and corporate, it’s because it is. Too often, we jump to say yes at work for fear of repercussions if we don’t. However, many times, we simply don’t have the space in our workload for anything more at the moment. Responding to a supervisor with this not only sends the message that your plate is full but also allows them to support you if this task is necessary to complete.

If you haven’t been in the habit of saying no, it’s guaranteed to make you feel anxious or uncomfortable at first. However, once you’ve put this into practice, you will quickly feel relieved and grateful for protecting your time and energy the way you do. You will also be pleasantly surprised by how those around you will respect and encourage you for establishing and maintaining your boundaries. Give it a try, and remember that self-care is not a luxury – it’s a necessity!