If Christmas Characters Were Beers

Christmas is the season of timeless traditions and ubiquitous folklore. What kid grows up without getting excited for Santa to come or pretending their snowman can come to life like Frosty? The characters and icons of these stories, songs, traditions and movies are perhaps the most widely recognized and celebrated of any holiday. Of course, you’re probably thinking, “What does this have to do with beer?” Well, many of you are still relatively new to craft beer and might still be learning about different styles and what they are like. In honor of the holidays, I thought it would be fun to think about many of these famous Christmas characters if they were beers, to help relate them to something familiar, and educate the masses. For those who already have a sophisticated palate, I hope you also enjoy this whimsical essay in creative thought.

Santa Claus = Porter

Santa is without a doubt the head honcho of Christmas, and the most widely beloved Christmas character. “A jolly, plump old elf” that you smile despite yourself when you see him, Santa would have to be a porter. Full-bodied, with a creamy white beard and totally covered in dark ash with a red suit, Santa carries bold, complex flavors like coffee, chocolate and smoke in his sack and usually goes down as smooth as a sled.

Example: Edmund Fitzgerald Porter (Great Lakes)

Rudolph = New England Ipa/Hazy Ipa

The underdog hero of the Christmas season, Rudolph went from rags to riches when he came to the rescue with his flashing red nose on a cloudy Christmas Eve. For that reason, I give Rudolph the designation of Hazy IPA. Like his nose, bright citrus flavors shine through the foggy liquid telling you the way to go, and with a whole team of reindeer behind him to provide the strength and body to carry the fat man through the air with spectacular smoothness and grace.

Example: Hazy Little Thing IPA (Sierra Nevada)

Frosty The Snowman = Light Lager

When I hear “frosty,” my first thought is not of the snowman but of an ice-cold beer mug pulled out of the freezer. Those mugs are only appropriate for one style of beer, and that is American Light Lager. Meant to be consumed at the lowest of temperatures for maximum refreshment, it also hides the flavor of corn (cob pipes) used to make these beers. Much like Frosty himself, these beers come and go very quickly because they are so easy to drink, but don’t worry, I’m sure they will be back someday!

Example: Coors Light (Coors)

Abominable Snow Monster = Witbier

Like the snowy coat of white fur, witbier gets its name from the “white” color of suspended yeast in these usually unfiltered ales. Though ferocious-looking on the outside to some, with a big, frothy head and orange smile, these beers are actually soft at heart and only needed to see a dentist. These Bumbles bounce right down the hatch with velvety mouth feel and pleasant spices.

Example: White Christmas Ale (Sam Adams)

Ebenezer Scrooge = Sour Ale

Stingy and mouth puckering, when you drink these beers you tend to cringe your nose much like wicked, old Ebenezer Scrooge. It takes a lifetime of beer drinking and a look at the past, present and future to really appreciate the complex and sassy tartness of these oddly satisfying ales. But like getting to the end of a tulip of sour, you will apprehend that what wild yeast and life have in common is that they are both bittersweet.

Example: Supplication (Russian River)

Tiny Tim = Small Beer

Stop me if I am being too literal here, but the name just seems to go perfectly with the style. Small beer is brewed from the second runnings of the mash, usually from a higher-gravity brew. A lower sugar content makes for a lighter, more drinkable ale than its bigger brother, often a barleywine or imperial ale. But don’t let the name fool you, as Little John says in “Robin Hood: Men in Tights,” “In real life, I’m actually really big!” These beers have much more flavor than a typical light lager.

Example: Small Beer (Anchor)

Grinch = Ipa/Double Ipa

No character is more bitter about Christmas than the Grinch. This makes him the IPA of the group. Not only is he green like a hop, but his head is shaped like one, too. Living atop Mount Crumpit, he looks down on the puny Whos in Whoville and lets his bitter rage soar, then slinks down the chimney, leaving houses barren and dry. But that doesn’t stop the Whos from staying in high spirits, and in the end he comes back with their goods to join the flavorful feat. Have a few IPAs this winter and maybe your heart will grow three sizes as well!

Example: Ruination Double IPA (Stone)

Buddy The Elf = Belgian Dubbel

Buddy the Elf has four food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup. Sounds like the recipe for a Belgian Dubbel to me. Buddy wouldn’t like a bitter beer, but I’m sure he would be a big fan of the candi sugar used to make dubbel’s fruity and sweet caramel flavors. There’s plenty of booze in this style … enough to get the mailroom dancing around the holidays.

Example: Abbey Ale (Ommegang)

Harry And Marv From “Home Alone” = Wet Hop Ipa

Just like these two greedy crooks, The Wet Bandits, these wet-hopped IPAs rush to steal the freshest hops from the bine and capitalize the gains immediately. As the pair would tell you, though, things don’t always go according to plan, and it is a challenge to brew with such young hops.

Example: Howard and Gale (Tired Hands)

Christmas Tree = American Pale Ale

One of the main descriptions of hops is that they are “piney.” The Christmas tree is a perfect representation of a pale ale, with its earthy piney exterior, crisp dazzling lights and citrusy baubles and bubbles. A nice Christmas tree has a sturdy backbone and firm branches that hold even the heaviest of decorative ornamentals. Pale ales have it all from start to finish, and each one comes with a lot of presents under the tree.

Example: 5 Fathom (Slack Tide)

Yule Log = Winter Warmer

Nothing is more “Christmas Eve” than sitting in front of the fireplace with family, listening to carols and sipping a winter warmer. These beers are almost exclusively consumed on or around Christmas, just like the yule log. Strong, rich and spiced, these are the fruit cakes of beer, only in liquid version.

Example: Fireside Chat (21st Amendment)

Nutcracker = Russian Imperial Stout

Tchaikovsky was a brilliant Russian composer, and it is only fitting that his famous Christmas ballet, “The Nutcracker,” share the stage with the most famous Russian-themed beer style. Russian Imperial Stouts are bold, rich and complex just like the people who attend the ballet. Their black dark color and high alcohol content reflects of the harshness and darkness of winter.

Example: Old Rasputin Imperial Stout (North Coast)