The Toilet Paper Caper

The following never took place. Nevertheless, the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Day 1

“Hey, Dad, thought I’d call to see how you and mom are doing.”

“Great, son, we’re just unloading the car of toilet paper. Here’s your mother.”

“Mom, what’s Dad talking about? Why does it take two of you to unload toilet paper?”

“Buck, we bought six boxes of 50 rolls.”

“Three hundred rolls of toilet paper! Where’re you going to put it?”

“We’re going to use your old room for one-ply, Bonnie’s room for the ‘extra soft’ and Clyde’s room for two-ply. By the way, how are Blanche and the twins?”

“Everyone’s doing fine, Mom, but seriously, who buys one-ply anymore?”

“Don’t be snarky, Buck.”

Day 13

“Mom, I spoke to Bonnie. She said you were upset about her not taking any toilet paper. She’s not going to run out of ‘extra soft’ serving on the USS Frank Hamer for the next 60 days.”

“You’re probably right, Buck, we’ll just have to make more room for the elastic bands.”

“Elastic bands?”

“Oh, I thought your father told you, Bonnie’s room gets the boxes of elastic bands, Clyde’s room gets the safety pins and your room gets the duct tape.”

“What are you going to do with all that stuff?”

“We’re going to make face masks. It takes a few strips of one-ply and ‘extra soft,’ duct tape the ends and put safety pins to hold the elastic bands that go over the ears. Your father finishes them with an emoji of ol’ Mr. Whipple.”

“Good thing Van Gogh isn’t around.”

“I heard that, Buck Marvin.”

Day 34

“Mom, I just got off the phone with Clyde, he didn’t want to upset you but he’s going to be at the Ted Hinton Research Station in Antarctica for three months and won’t need any two-ply.”

“That’s OK, I made room for the Metamucil in his old room, the bran cereal in Bonnie’s room and the prune juice in your room.”

“Huh?”

“Son, your father and I are getting up there, we can’t take the toilet paper with us and we don’t want you three fighting over who gets toilet paper.”

Day 55

“Mom, did you finally get rid of the last of the toilet paper?”

“We did, son, but at the same time I’m a little concerned as to why a group called Doomsday at Sailes Road would want 50 rolls. How are the boys?”

“Parker and Barrow are doing fine, why don’t you and Dad come over for lunch.”

“We’re going out this morning to buy bulk hand sanitizer that’s on sale. We’ll stop by on the way home.”

“Mom, I don’t think you have to worry about buying … Mom, you there? … MOTHER! …”